4 Months to F-O-R-T-Y

You read right — in FOUR months — I will be 4-0.

The letdown. . .

I have always loved my birthday. I always want to celebrate big, big presents, big fun, big memories. My husband hates birthdays and I am sure hates mine even more because of the high expectations I have.

In all honestly, I have put my birthday on the back burner since becoming a mom. Dylan’s birthday is 3 weeks after mine so all my focus has shifted to her birthday and now her sister’s whose birthday is 3 weeks after Dylan’s. As someone who loves their birthday, I wasn’t so happy about it but lived with it.

Until this year.

I have been dreading this birthday for sometime, so much so I would never tell anyone my age. I tried to be vague, sometimes I would lie, trick people so they would forget how old I was, that why no one will know how old I really am. As I turned 39, I realized that plan was not working, I could either embrace this new decade and celebrate the way it should be or sweep it under the carpet like I have been lately.

Then, I started to see my high school friends start to celebrate their “dreaded” 4-0 so I decided to embrace it.

Turning a new decade has been hard for me, emotionally draining, soul-searching. I dreaded turning 30, and now I think it’s comical. I am hoping the same will be true about turning 40.

As you all know, I lost my job in May and have not found the right fit for my next venture which has been weighting heavily on me.  How can I be turning the “dreaded” 4-0 without working? (If I didn’t have a job by choice, for me, it would be an entirely different situation.)

I was making myself more and more depressed — I am not normally depressed. at. all. How can I be turning 4-0 without a job? How? Over and over. I felt I was not worthily of a celebration the way I wanted because I am not working, because I can’t find the right position, because I feel like a big looser. I had decided I wanted to go on a trip and have a party with friends. Both things cost money. Money, I was not making.

The letdown . . .

It was becoming a vicious cycle of blame, depression, unworthiness, hatred toward myself.

I cried a lot.

I was trying to think about the positive stuff in my life like spending more time with my girls. I was trying to convince myself to embrace this time, relax a little, don’t put so much pressure on myself, breath and I will get there.

The unworthiness creeps back from time to time. 

That was until a few days ago when out of no where Alex suggested we book a birthday trip, within a few days our fights were booked. (I am still shocked. We never move this fast, especially when it comes to traveling. We always seem to pay more because we waited to long.)

This was 2/19, just over a week ago.

The pressure has lifted. I feel happier, relieved, worthy. I would never have suggested booking a trip without an income for my birthday or at all, not until I got a job. I wouldn’t be more thankful and excited he did.

In the week or so since we booked our tickets here is how I am trying to embrace life better:

1. Trying not to take everything to heart. I don’t have a job now but doesn’t mean I will never work again. It’s taken me a long time to come to this point. It’s a work-in-progress.
2. Enjoy my time with my girls. I am living in the moment more, taking Tabitha to music class, to the park, workout class, etc. I am class mom for Dylan’s school. I have been helping as much as I can at school. I know I am lucky to have this time even though it is a stress to us it is time I will never get back with them.
3. Self-care. Before I lost my job, I got my nails done every 3 weeks. When my unemployment ran out in Jan I stopped. I didn’t feel like myself without it. It was a small thing but it added to my overall happiness. About a week ago, I decided to get my nails done again. It’s the self-care that I needed. And you know, it really has made me feel like me again.

Between getting my nails done, hiking, friend time I am getting the self-care I needed and I’m feeling more and more like me.

Do you have any major milestones coming up? How will you cope with it? If not, what do you do to keep your spirits up? Can’t wait to hear from you. I would love to add more to what I already have been doing.