An Asshole’s Guide to Baby Gifts

We all know those people who have a big opinion on how they will raise their children when they have them. It’s something like “I would never let my child have chocolate.” My children won’t ever have tantrums in public.” Or my personal favorite “My kids will always listen.”

As parents, we all know this is complete bullshit. All kids are demons at some point or another. I have complied a gift guide perfect for those know-it-alls who are now expecting– just in time for all the summer babies.

Musical Instruments: The perfect annoying gift that will help their child’s love of making sweet sweet music.

Kids Musical Instruments: This has 22pcs Wood Percussion Xylophone Toys perfect for boys and girls. All these amazing noisy items can be stored in a backpack storage case included. Only $28

Melissa Doug Band in a Box: This comes with various musical instruments including maracas, triangle chime, bells, and so much more. All be stored in a super annoying crate that doesn’t have a cover. Typical of Melissa and Doug.  Only $21

Rainbow Bells: If you don’t want to be too big of an asshole, you could always add this to a nicer, quieter options since this is only $8. This is a 2pc rainbow handle wooden bell rattle.

My personal favorite; 3 in 1 set the drum, keyboard, xylophone — the best of the noisiest instruments all in one place for only $31.

Other perfectly annoying musical gifts that will do the trick: drum sets, karaoke machines, tambourines, keyboards, flutes, whistles, etc.

Clothing: Everything and anything white. We all know how messy, gross and pure dirty babies are. From the spit up to the blow outs, white is defiantly the only way to go.

Unisex Baby Organic Cotton footed onesie with snaps no zipper here. This one comes in a ton of colors but I highly suggest the all white option. Depending on color you choose it’s from $22-$29.

For the colder months, this adorable white cable knit long sleeve onesie is perfect for $26. Again, comes in a few color options. The details on this is spectacular. If I ever have another baby this is on my wish list — in any color but the white.

White summer lace dress adorable for the messiest little ladies in your life. The ruffle bottom is just too perfect for $16.

This is not white but a very light peach and too adorable not to include. This long sleeve romper the perfect color where stains won’t come out easily for $16.

And the ultimate asshole clothing gift is this white pajamas with buttons and draw string pants for $18.

Baby Shoes with Laces: You can’t get more annoying than this combination. They are hard to get on and impossible to keep tied. Win, Win.

Unisex tie-up moccasins is there anything more asshole than tie up moccasins? I didn’t think so. These are adorable and annoying at the same time for only $10.

High top tie-up sneakers, these are impossible to get on and off and even harder to tie, all for $10. You can’t beat it.

White knock-off high top lace up Converse for only $10. These also come in many colors but white is always the asshole color of choice.

Toys: With loud music, sounds, songs, colors flashing, with every annoying thing you can imagine on it.

Kids love cell phone; toy cell phones are no different. There are various kinds of toy cell phone, from the quite, to the loud with lots of lights and annoyingness. We have so many of these phones. Best toy phones, from experience — Cooplay White Yphone for $12, Vtech touch and swipe for $13, Leapfrog Chat and Count  for $15, and Elf Lab Baby Cell Phone for $15.

V-tech busy learning activity cube, both my girls loved this cube but doesn’t take away from how awful this toy is especially when your children get addicted to it, and you hear those songs over and over again. You cannot be any more of an asshole for $17.

There is nothing more annoying and louder than a baby on an activity table. Baby Einstein Music Activity Table, is the best and most annoying out there for $35.

Every child loves “Baby Shark” song, all parents hate it. Best way to annoy new parents than having the song play over and over again in this adorable shark stuffy affectionately called by my youngest for $17.

Fisher Price Laugh & Learn Pull & Play Learning Wagon, $28 perfect wagon to annoy any new asshole parent with music, and learning blocks, you cannot beat this annoyance.

Baby Music Shake Dancing Ball, the all-time annoying gift, it jumps, plays music and doesn’t shut off. $19

My personal favorite . . . Signing Stuffed Animals: Soft, cuddly, singing/talking friends– what could be more annoying?

Signing Elephant Gund, this is one of Tabitha’s favorite friends, which means I hear it signing all the time. It sings, talks and plays pee-a-boo with its ears. It could not be more annoying for your asshole friends, for $29.

Gund Animated Bear, Signing, plays pee-a-boo with the blanket, adorable and annoying. We have this one too, my girls love it, can’t beat the annoyingness for $29.

Mother Goose Story Telling Stuffed Animal, another friend the girls have, but this one was so annoying, it lives at my in-laws. It’s a must buy for only $33.

Gifts new parents will love at first while you are secretly laughing.